Keeping Mum

The movie Keeping Mum is highly recommended by me.
Also... this picture is cool.


Isabella Rossellini and her mother Ingrid Bergman.

I like humanizing pictures of people we admire... or I admire.
This one definitely brings them to a mother/daughter/human point.

That is all for now.

Peanut Butter Sleeping

Now you Notice that It's A Wonderful Life!

"Don't look now George, I've never seen a run but that has all the earmarks of being one."



I have been talking about It's a Wonderful Life, the 1946 Frank Capra film, a lot lately.
I generally talk about this movie around this time of year because people are more willing to listen and contribute to a IAWL conversation around the Holidays.
Though I feel this movie is relevant at all times, most feel that it is a Christmas movie.



This year, due to the $700 billion dollar bail out, the recession and the holidays, IAWL has become a staple for economic and societal comparison.
The whole thing pisses me off.

This movie is often considered an uplifting holiday tale. I firmly disagree.
I remember watching a documentary about IAWL and Frank Capra, hosted by his son, Frank Capra Jr.

The documentary noted that the film wasn't an initial success. Often called "Capra-corny" because of it's story line. I have always seen the darker and more realistic, historical even, side of this movie. There are so many human events that occur that the story can be a reflection of anyone's life between childhood and adult hood. Capra covered the ideals of small town life, but mixed them in with the realities of hardship and societal pressures.
He shows that some people live the American dream because someone else makes sacrifices and stays put. He shows the elitism, ageism and pressures that are presented all the time, whether it's in an urban or rural atmosphere.

I often look at Donna Reed's character, Mary. She is my favorite, of course, but she is a harsh look as to what women were to sacrifice, due to the circumstances of nothing more than life.
Mary is a highly educated woman who is in love with a man who wants to see the world. She goes off to college and lives in NYC for holidays, but sees a bigger need in staying home and marrying the man of her dreams, George Baily.

(James Stewart and Donna Reed (as George and Mary) in my favorite scene of the film)

Mary Bailey: "Because I didn't want to be an old maid, I want my baby to look like you" (black and white and to the point!)

Mary as an old maid (librarian... God forbid she use that college education!)

George doesn't understand why she could possibly want him, and sometimes I too question Mary's motives. I think she sees him in his true form, the glue of their world in Bedford Falls.


(The photo from the New York Times. I think it's a cool graphic.)

There was an article in the New York Times today about It's a Wonderful Life. The article, "Wonderful? Sorry, George, It’s a Pitiful, Dreadful Life," by Wendell Jaimeson, was cynical and addressed the darker side of the movie as well as the people who see it now and the way society is reacting to the recent economic downfalls.

The most poignant remark in the article is the following:

Was this what adulthood promised?

“It’s a Wonderful Life” is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to the grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife. It is also a nightmare account of an endless home renovation.

This revelation that the author has come upon is close to my worldview of It's A Wonderful Life this year. I'm not quite as cynical as the author, but I have had trouble watching the movie due to it's realizations of dreams NOT coming true.

Graduating in this less than perfect economy has put a strain on getting the ball rolling in my career arena. I want to go into film making, but picking up and leaving with student loans catching up with me, the job market rejecting me and not knowing if any grad schools will take me have all proven to keep me in my, to coin a George Bailey phrase, "crumby little old town."
As positive as I try to be, some days are hard. Though I have a job right now, a place to live, food, friends and a supportive family, sometimes I feel like George-- I want to "see the world."



(Me post graduation... yes that is dog food and the Swedish flag... jealous?)

Some of the words George says mine as well be coming straight from my mouth.

" I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that. I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then, I'm comin' back here to go to college and see what they know. And then I'm gonna build things. I'm gonna build airfields, I'm gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high, I'm gonna build bridges a mile long..."

The ambitions of George Bailey have yet to be squashed by the constant needs of others and his consistent support of his fellow man. He becomes tired from the world around him; always taking.
Joseph says in the movie "...George never leaves Bedford Falls"

This is a hard pill to swallow for someone who is trying to get out and see what the world has to offer past what they know. George's setbacks and obstacles are hard to view because I am constantly wondering "What if I become like George Bailey?"

My Mother always says "What's so wrong with being George Bailey? You're missing the message."
Well, Mom, I understand he's a good man, and I truly believe in "Deeds not words" but there are many other messages too. Each generation or I should say, each age, has their own interpretation of this movie. The New York Times author, was kinda whiny about his view of the movie. He was pessimistic from the get go. Not really ever wanting to see it, but then finally "getting it." His teacher, who showed him the film after school, was trying to reach out and share a movie that meant something to him.

The teenage angst could totally be felt through this movie. The confusion and aimlessness that occasionally occurs is more than welcomed into everyone's lives.

I think we all like to look back and talk about the economic message in IAWL because it is a pop-icon of what could happen if the little man gave what he's got to keep from a financial depression. It is recognizable and true. Though, GB would not be able to help us out of a billion dollar crisis, he could always lend a quick buck or a hand.

The catch to all of my complaining is that now people are willing to discuss the movie on a different level. The focus on mocking the "corny-ness" or talking about how black and white movies aren't "as real" or "as pertinent to today's world" are all wiped away because they are untrue.
I like to see the goofiness of this movie and the small qualities and quirks that are also true to life's lighter moments. I disagree with the NYTimes author about the movie theatre in the film showing The Bells of St. Mary's as a hokier prop. That movie was popular at that time and it would have been the movie playing in a local cinema. Yes, it's another prayer or religiously touched (or tainted depending on your viewpoint) movie, but it starred Ingrid Bergman and Bing Crosby, who were both at the height of money making careers. The plug was probably WAY less sentimental than that. It was more like a commercial for RKO which produced both films. My Father and I revel in the fact that one of our favorite movies is in another fave... I mean we're nerds... what do you expect?


(see the tiny RKO logo... hint, hint.)

George may have to go to the extremes of looking at suicide as a relief to his problems, but he then sees the dark (kinda ridiculous, yet directly true) side of what "could be" and changes his mind.
I plan on leaving this peninsula, on which for now I am caged, but if I can't... I'll think of George and Mary, Suzu and Clarence... and I won't jump.

(I'm not suicidal... just thought it wraps it up pretty nice-like)

QU

I just found a picture of me from my year at Quinnipiac University.

I am the number 10 in the lower right corner.
This picture shows just how forced my expression had to be. I hated QU.
There were highlights. I had fun with Sarah Gottlieb, one of my best friends, my roommate, partner in crime and survival pal.
I met some cool people... some of which are in this picture.
But I also had to endure some really crappy times. I didn't like the atmosphere at this school. I didn't like the elitism I felt there. It was cold, both literally and figuratively.
There were some people I came into contact with who were totally abusive. They attacked me personally because I tended to be quiet and withdrawn instead of in your face and extroverted 24/7.
I didn't wear polka-dots and try to impress everyone around me. I didn't go to coach and say stuff about other players. I just kinda was.

One thing I found through my experience at QU was that I can make it through shitty situations. I also learned that my family is STRONG. My Dad once drove 6 hours to see me because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown... then drove 6 hours back home to be at work the next day.
This is the same Dad who had a near death experience that year to which my coach said "It's just his appendix, he's not going to die."
My Dad's appendix busted in his body. He was seriously in danger of dying and this insensitive bitch had the nerve to tell me this.
Well, she can kiss my ass. My Dad is alive and thriving and a much better person than she could ever be.

I learned a lot about commitment. I learned that if you commit to something, though it tests you, stick it out. Stick it to the man.
Don't let the jerks who think they can dictate your feelings win. Let them have their moments of yelling stupid stuff like "I just peed my pants" or "We have to sing this song!" "I'm going to wear this J Crew outfit, why would I wear jeans?" "What are you poor?".... Yeah cool. Thanks for those things.

I learned humility.
I learned that putting all of your eggs in one basket is a bad idea, especially in sports.

I came to Salisbury University and though I didn't play lacrosse til my last two years here. I had the utmost dedication to the sport at that point. I had been dragged through the mud so much by then that the only way was up. I love Salisbury University for what it has given me.
I have 2 NCAA trophies, friends, family and experiences that I would have never had at QU.
YEY ME!

HAHA.

Charlie Wilson's War and my Psyche

I watched Charlie Wilson's War last night with Sarah and Jay.
Let's talk about slightly awkward-- The opening scene of CWW is Charlie Wilson, 3 strippers --wait, I'm sorry, 2 strippers and one Playboy Magazine cover girl and another dude, naked and doing cocaine.
I watched this with the people who have hired me to care for their young child but who also are former professors of mine AND one of which is 8 mos. pregnant, I'm talking of course about Jay.
Anyway...the Barry White music that Sarah chose to sing and dance to in that scene made for extra awkwardness...so much so that it was okay to talk about at that point, and we laughed it off.

The movie was good, very violent and obviously made by men.
There were a lot of "stars" in it: Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams. The movie was written by Aaron Sorkin and directed by Mike Nichols and was obviously politically their style.
American cinema is apparently one of the only types to turn a mirror on ourselves--but in a negative fashion.
The movie tries to prove that we could have avoided our conflicts now, for the most part, in the middle east if we had just provided jobs and educations after the covert war was "won" against the Soviets in Afghanistan. Instead we trained and armed them to fight us now. Sweet deal.
I liked it. It was well written. It gave me bad dreams.
But I don't blame the dreams completely on this movie.

CAT DANCERS

(Dude on the left is the craziest who survived)

A documentary from 2008.
It's about tiger trainers and how they're crazy. Two of the trainers it's about were killed by the same tiger. The other dude... who I'm pretty sure was hooking up w/ both of them, was there for both accounts.
Jeff thinks the tiger and HE killed the people.
Anyway, the movie had really graphic and crazy scenes, pictures and CIRCUS MUSIC.

(Read MORE here)
Jeff and I both were up every 20 mins. I could hear him walking around upstairs... thought the house was haunted.
So to round up my night:
Dreams about being attacked by "soviet" fighters... as if I were in Afghanistan...no thanks.
Dreams about tigers and circus music.
Restless night.
Haunted House thanks to Jeff.

Stab a bitch

The cleaning ladies are being loud up stairs.
I'm trying to get Julia to fall asleep....
I might go ape shit here and figuratively stab a bitch.

Tears of a Clown.... well not a clown. Clowns are creepy.

I am currently listening to and occasionally looking at the commentary of Ingmar Bergman's Autumn Sonata.

(Liv Ullman and Ingrid Bergman)

This film was Ingrid Bergman's last feature film. She was sick with breast cancer when they shot this film.
This movie is a perfect wave good-bye from Ingrid. The movie brings me to the edge of sadness every time I watch it. I think about the way she talked about it in her autobiography and the fact that she wrote her autobiography because she knew her time was short. I think of her biography and how Liv Ullman (who played her daughter Eva in the film and was Ingmar Bergman's baby mama) talked about the powerful, long scenes that they had to film. She reflected upon Ingrid's strength when Ingrid had to lift her arms above her head while laying on the ground. She had had a mastectomy and lifting her arms that way was painful and seemingly impossible. She did it. She acted through it. I believe it's because she wasn't sick when she was playing Charlotte. I can't remember if it were she who said, or someone else who said that she wasn't herself when she was in character. I think it may have been Isabella or Ingrid Isotta (her twin daughters, that's Isabella Rossellini) who discussed how their mother was so tired after a show and had so much prep time before the show because she had to completely become the person she was portraying.
Autumn Sonata, it seems, is Ingrid's way of showing and acting through her own imperfections. The story runs closely to what happened with her daughter Pia Lindstrom, who she was forced to abandon when she chose to stay in Italy with Roberto Rossellini. She did not see Pia for 6 years, which is very similar to the character. Charlotte-- the character -- is a concert pianist and much like Ingrid with acting, she chose to play instead of be a housewife and stay at home mom with her children.

I admire Ingrid for this.
Her children may have had rough times and had to deal with difficulties, but they were cared for by others and finacially were well off. Ingrid talked about how she always wanted her children to be okay. Isabella mentioned that her mother was just so in love with acting, it was her passion.
Passion like that cannot be ignored.

I hope to be like Ingrid. I don't want to abandon my child...if I have one. I don't want to face heartache after heartache (though if I do, it will just happen). I want to live my dreams and my passions. I want to be immersed in various cultures and languages and be well versed in the world.

I have all the support I could ask for. I guess now it's just time to keep watching the movie and figure out my next step.

(Funny how this turned into being about me...)